22
Pan and Hermes
PAN
Good day to you, Hermes, Daddy mine.
Good day to you, Hermes, Daddy mine.
HERMES
And a bad day to you. But how am I your daddy?
And a bad day to you. But how am I your daddy?
PAN
Aren’t you Hermes of Cyllene?
Aren’t you Hermes of Cyllene?
HERMES
Yes. How, then, are you my son?
Yes. How, then, are you my son?
PAN
I’m your bastard boy, your love-child.
I’m your bastard boy, your love-child.
HERMES
Oh quite so, when some billy-goat, I suppose, led a nanny astray! How could you be mine, you with your horns and ugly snout and shaggy beard and a goat’s cloven hooves and a tail over your behind?
Oh quite so, when some billy-goat, I suppose, led a nanny astray! How could you be mine, you with your horns and ugly snout and shaggy beard and a goat’s cloven hooves and a tail over your behind?
PAN
When you jeer at me, daddy, you’re mocking your own son, or rather yourself for producing such creatures as your children. It’s not my fault.
When you jeer at me, daddy, you’re mocking your own son, or rather yourself for producing such creatures as your children. It’s not my fault.
HERMES
Who do you say your mother was? Perhaps I led a nanny astray without knowing it.
Who do you say your mother was? Perhaps I led a nanny astray without knowing it.
PAN
No, not a nanny. But try to remember if you ever forced your attentions on a freeborn girl in Arcadia. Why are you biting your nails and thinking so hard? Why so puzzled? I’m speaking of Icarius’ girl, Penelope.
1
No, not a nanny. But try to remember if you ever forced your attentions on a freeborn girl in Arcadia. Why are you biting your nails and thinking so hard? Why so puzzled? I’m speaking of Icarius’ girl, Penelope.
1
HERMES
Then what possessed her to produce in you a child not like me but like a goat?
Then what possessed her to produce in you a child not like me but like a goat?
PAN
I’ll tell you what she said herself. When she was packing me off to Arcadia, she said, “My boy, I, Penelope, a true blue Spartan, am your mother, but your father, let me tell you, is a god, Hermes, son of Maia and Zeus. Don’t worry because you have horns and a goat’s shanks, for when your father came courting me, he made himself into a goat so that no one would notice him. That’s why you’ve turned out like the goat.”
I’ll tell you what she said herself. When she was packing me off to Arcadia, she said, “My boy, I, Penelope, a true blue Spartan, am your mother, but your father, let me tell you, is a god, Hermes, son of Maia and Zeus. Don’t worry because you have horns and a goat’s shanks, for when your father came courting me, he made himself into a goat so that no one would notice him. That’s why you’ve turned out like the goat.”
HERMES
Ah, yes. I do remember doing something like that. Am I, then, to be called your father? I, who am so proud of my good looks! I, who’ve still got a smooth chin! Am I to be laughed at by all for having such a bonny boy?
Ah, yes. I do remember doing something like that. Am I, then, to be called your father? I, who am so proud of my good looks! I, who’ve still got a smooth chin! Am I to be laughed at by all for having such a bonny boy?
PAN
But I won’t disgrace you, father. I’m a musician and play the pipe loud and true. Dionysus is lost without me, and has made me his companion and fellow-reveller; I’m his dance-leader, and if you could see how many flocks I have around Tegea and on Parthenium, you’d be delighted. I’m lord and master of all Arcadia. Besides that, the other day, I fought so magnificently on the side of the Athenians at Marathon that a prize of valour was chosen for me—the cave under the Acropolis.
2
Anyhow, go to Athens and you’ll soon find out what a great name Pan has there.
But I won’t disgrace you, father. I’m a musician and play the pipe loud and true. Dionysus is lost without me, and has made me his companion and fellow-reveller; I’m his dance-leader, and if you could see how many flocks I have around Tegea and on Parthenium, you’d be delighted. I’m lord and master of all Arcadia. Besides that, the other day, I fought so magnificently on the side of the Athenians at Marathon that a prize of valour was chosen for me—the cave under the Acropolis.
2
Anyhow, go to Athens and you’ll soon find out what a great name Pan has there.
HERMES
Tell me, are you married yet, Pan? Pan’s the name they give you, isn’t it?
Tell me, are you married yet, Pan? Pan’s the name they give you, isn’t it?
PAN
Of course not, daddy. I’m romantically inclined, and wouldn’t like to have to confine my attentions to just one.
Of course not, daddy. I’m romantically inclined, and wouldn’t like to have to confine my attentions to just one.
HERMES
No doubt, then, you try your luck with the nanny-goats?
No doubt, then, you try your luck with the nanny-goats?
PAN
A fine jest coming from you! My lady-friends are Echo and Pitys and all the Maenads of Dionysus, and I’m in great demand with them.
A fine jest coming from you! My lady-friends are Echo and Pitys and all the Maenads of Dionysus, and I’m in great demand with them.
HERMES
Please do me a favour, son. I’ve never asked one from you before.
Please do me a favour, son. I’ve never asked one from you before.
PAN
Tell me what you want, daddy, and let me see to it.
Tell me what you want, daddy, and let me see to it.
HERMES
You may come here and pay your respects to me, but please don’t call me daddy when anyone can hear.
You may come here and pay your respects to me, but please don’t call me daddy when anyone can hear.
Dialogi deorum. Lucian of Samosata. Matthew Donald Macleod (Translator). Medford, MA. Perseus 5.0.
Sponsored by Perseus Project, Tufts University.
Funding provided by The National Endowment for the Humanities.