NIREUS

Look, here’s Menippus, who will decide which of us is more handsome. Tell us, Menippus, don’t you think I am?

MENIPPUS

Whoever are you both? I ought to know that first, I suppose.

NIREUS

NIreus and Thersites.

MENIPPUS

Well, which is NIreus, and which Thersites? That’s still not clear.

THERSITES

That’s already one point in my favour, if I’m like you, and you don’t have the great superiority for which Homer the blind praised you, when he called you the most handsome of them all; I, with my sugarloaf head, and thin hair, ¹ seemed just as good-looking as you to Minos; but you, Menippus, take a good look to see which you think more handsome.

IREUS

Me, son of Charops and Aglaea, “handsomest man of all who came to Troy”. ²

MENIPPUS

But not, methinks, the handsomest that has come to the lower world; your bones are no different here, and your skull can only be told from that of Thersites, by its brittleness. Your skull is fragile and unmanly.

NIREUS

But just ask Homer what I was like when I was fighting in the Greek army.

MENIPPUS

You talk of dreams; I of what I see, and of your present state; your past is only known to the men of that time.

NIREUS

Then, Menippus, I’m not handsomer here than he is?

MENIPPUS

Neither you nor anyone else is handsome here. In Hades all are equal, and all alike.

THERSITES

That’s good enough for me.

Minos

Sostratus, the pirate here, can be dropped into Pyriphlegethon, Hermes; the temple-robber shall be clawed by the Chimera; and lay out the tyrant alongside of Tityus, there to have his liver torn by the vultures. And you honest fellows can make the best of your way to Elysium and the Isles of the Blest; this it is to lead righteous lives.

Sostratus

A word with you, Minos. See if there is not some justice in my plea.

Minos

What, more pleadings? Have you not been convicted of villany and murder without end?

Sostratus

I have. Yet consider whether my sentence is just.

Minos

Is it just that you should have your deserts? If so, the sentence is just.

Sostratus

Well, answer my questions; I will not detain you long.

Minos

Say on, but be brief; I have other cases waiting for me.

Sostratus

The deeds of my life—were they in my own choice, or were they decreed by Fate?

Minos

Decreed, of course.

Sostratus

Then all of us, whether we passed for honest men or rogues, were the instruments of Fate in all that we did?

Minos

Certainly; Clotho prescribes the conduct of every man at his birth.

Sostratus

Now suppose a man commits a murder under compulsion of a power which he cannot resist, an executioner, for instance, at the bidding of a judge, or a bodyguard at that of a tyrant. Who is the murderer, according to you?

Minos

The judge, of course, or the tyrant. As well ask whether the sword is guilty, which is but the tool of his anger who is prime mover in the affair.

Sostratus

I am indebted to you for a further illustration of my argument. Again: a slave, sent by his master, brings me gold or silver; to whom am I to be grateful? who goes down on my tablets as a benefactor?

Minos

The sender; the bringer is but his minister.

Sostratus

Observe then your injustice! You punish us who are but the slaves of Clotho’s bidding, and reward these, who do but minister to another’s beneficence. For it will never be said that it was in our power to gainsay the irresistible ordinances of Fate?

Minos

Ah, Sostratus; look closely enough, and you will find plenty of inconsistencies besides these. However, I see you are no common pirate, but a philosopher in your way; so much you have gained by your questions. Let him go, Hermes; he shall not be punished after that. But mind, Sostratus, you must not put it into other people’s heads to ask questions of this kind.