ALEXANDER

I should be preferred ¹ to you, Libyan; I’m the better man.

HANNIBAL

No, I should.

ALEXANDER

Let Minos decide, then.

MINOS

Who are you?

ALEXANDER

This is Hannibal of Carthage, and I am Alexander, son of Philip.

MINOS

Both famous indeed. But what are you disputing?

ALEXANDER

The first place. He says ² he was a better General than I was, but I say, as is known to all, that in the arts of war I was superior not only to him, but to pretty well every one who went before me.

MINOS

Then let each of you speak in turn; you start, Libyan.

HANNIBAL

I’ve one thing to be thankful for, Minos, for, while I’ve been here, I’ve added Greek ³ to my other accomplishments; he won’t, as a result, have the advantage of me even in that. I maintain that those are most deserving of praise who began from nothing, and yet advanced to greatness by their own efforts, by winning power for themselves and being thought worthy of command. Thus it was that I, setting out for Spain with a few followers, served at first as my brother’s lieutenant, ⁴ and then was thought worthy of the highest command, because I was judged to be the best man, and conquered the Celtiberians, mastered the Gauls of the West, ⁵ crossed the mighty mountains, overran the whole Po Valley, devastated all those cities, subdued the plains of Italy, reached the outskirts of the greatest city of all, and killed so many in one day, that I measured their rings by the bushel, and bridged rivers with the dead. Moreover, I did all this without being called the son of Ammon, or pretending to be a god, or recounting dreams of my mother, but I admitted I was a man, I matched myself against the most accomplished Generals, and locked myself in battle with the finest of soldiers. My opponents were no Medes or Armenians who flee before they are pursued and yield immediate victory to anyone who shows a bold front.

HANNIBAL

But Alexander inherited his kingdom from his father, and was helped in enlarging it and extending it so far by the impetus of fortune. In any case, when he was victorious, and had defeated that contemptible Darius at Issus and Arbela, he renounced the traditions of his fathers; he demanded the worship of men; he changed over to the Median way of life; at his banquets he murdered his friends or arrested them to have them killed. But I led my country as her equal, and, when she sent for me, after the enemy had invaded Africa with a great force, I promptly obeyed, gave myself up as a private citizen, and, when tried and condemned, accepted it without rancour. All this did I do, although I was a barbarian without the advantage of a Greek education, and unable to declaim Homer like him. ⁶ I had no education under Professor Aristotle, but relied solely on my natural gifts. These are the things in which I claim to excel Alexander. If he is more handsome because he wore a diadem on his head—well, perhaps Macedonians respect such things, but he cannot be thought better for that reason than a noble and skilful General who depended more on his own intellect than on fortune.

MINOS

This is no mean speech that he’s made on his own behalf, and not at all what one would have expected from a Libyan. What have you to say to this, Alexander?

ALEXANDER

A man so impudent, Minos, deserves no answer. Common report suffices to show you what a king I was and what a brigand he was. But consider whether I was not greatly superior to him. I was still young when I came to power, put an end to the disorders of my kingdom, and punished my father’s murderers. Then I struck fear into Hellas by the destruction of the Thebans, and was elected her leader, but I was not content to govern Macedonia, and rule only the domain left to me by my father, but, thinking in terms of the whole world, and considering it a disgrace not to conquer it all, I invaded Asia with a few men, was victorious in a great battle at the Granicus, took over Lydia, and, subduing Ionia, Phrygia, and, in short, whatever lay before me, reached Issus, where Darius awaited me at the head of countless thousands of men.

ALEXANDER

The result you all know, Minos, and the numbers of dead I sent down to you in a single day. The ferryman certainly says that his boat could not cope with them on that occasion, but that the majority of them made their own rafts and crossed over in that way. Moveover, while doing this, I faced danger at the head of my men, and did not object to wounds. Not to speak of what happened at Tyre and Arbela, I marched as far as India, making the Ocean the boundary of my empire. I kept their elephants ⁷ and overcame Porus; I crossed the Tanais, and defeated the Scythians, formidable foes, in a mighty cavalry battle; I treated my friends well, and wrought vengeance on my enemies. Even if men did think me a god, they had some excuse for such beliefs about me in view of the greatness of my achievements.

ALEXANDER

Last of all, I died a king, whereas he died an exile, at the court of Prusias of Bithynia—a proper end for so exceedingly wicked and cruel a man. Take for instance his conquests in Italy. I won’t mention that these were achieved not by might, but by knavery and treachery and deceit, but of open legitimate warfare there was nothing at all; but when he reproaches me with luxurious living, I think the distinguished gentleman has forgotten how he behaved in Capua, consorting with loose women, and wasting in debauchery his opportunities for victory in the war. But suppose I hadn’t despised the west, and preferred to march against the east, what great feat would I have accomplished by a bloodless conquest of Italy and the subjection of Libya and everything as far as Gades? But I didn’t think it worth fighting against peoples who were already cowering before me, and ready to admit me their master, I have had my say. Do you, Minos, make you decision. Though I could have said much, this is enough.

SCIPIO

Do not do so yet, but hear what I have to say.

MINOS

Who are you, my good man? Where do you come from, that you wish to speak?

SCIPIO

From Italy. I am Scipio, the General who destroyed Carthage, ⁸ and overcame the Libyans in mighty battle.

MINOS

Well, what have you to say?

SCIPIO

That I am a lesser man than Alexander, but superior to Hannibal, for I drove him before me, after defeating him, and forcing him to flee ignominiously. Is he not shameless, then, in posing as the rival of Alexander, with whom even I, Scipio, the conqueror of Hannibal, do not presume to compare myself?

MINOS

By heaven, what you say, Scipio, is reasonable! So let Alexander be adjudged ⁹ first, and after him you, and then, if you don’t mind, Hannibal third, though even he is of no little account.

Nireus

Here we are; Menippus shall award the palm of beauty, Menippus, am I not better-looking than he?

Menippus

Well, who are you? I must know that first, mustn’t I?

Nireus

Nireus and Thersites.

Menippus

Which is which? I cannot tell that yet.

Thersites

One to me; I am like you; you have no such superiority as Homer (blind, by the way) gave you when he called you the handsomest of men; he might peak my head and thin my hair, our judge finds me none the worse. Now, Menippus, make up your mind which is handsomer.

Nireus

I, of course, I, the son of Aglaia and Charopus,

Comeliest of all that came ’neath Trojan walls.

Menippus

But not comeliest of all that come ’neath the earth, as far as I know. Your bones are much like other people’s; and the only difference between your two skulls is that yours would not take much to stove it in. It is a tender article, something short of masculine,

Nireus

Ask Homer what I was, when I sailed with the Achaeans.

Menippus

Dreams, dreams, I am looking at what you are; what you were is ancient history.

Nireus

Am I not handsomer here, Menippus?

Menippus

You are not handsome at all, nor any one else either. Hades is a democracy; one man is as good as another here.

Thersites

And a very tolerable arrangement too, if you ask me.