Lucian Juppiter Tragoedus 32

HERACLES

As for me, father, though I am but an alien I.shall not hesitate to say what I think. When they have met and are disputing, if Timocles gets the better of it, let’s allow the discussion about us to proceed; but if it turns out at all adversely, in that case, if you approve, I myself will at once shake the porch and throw it down on Damis, so that he may not affront us, confound him!

ZEUS

In the name of Heracles! that was a loutish, horribly Boeotian thing you said, Heracles, to involve so many honest men in the destruction of a single rascal, and the porch too, with its Marathon and Miltiades and Cynegirus! ¹ If they should collapse how could the orators orate any more? They would be robbed of their principal topic for speeches. ² Moreover, although while you were alive you could no doubt have done something of the sort, since you have become a god you have found out, I suppose, that only the Fates can do such things; and that we have no part in them.

HERACLES

So when I killed the lion or the Hydra, the Fates did it through my agency?

ZEUS

Why, certainly!

HERACLES

And now, in case anyone affronts me by robbing my temple or upsetting my image, can’t I exterminate him unless it was long ago settled that way by the Fates?

ZEUS

No, not by any means.

HERACLES

Then hear me frankly, Zeus, for as the comic poet puts it,

I'm but a boor and call a spade a spade.

If that is the way things stand here with you, I shall say good-bye forever to the honours here and the odour of sacrifice and the blood of victims and go down to Hell, where with my bow uncascd I can at least frighten the ghosts of the animals I have slain.

ZEUS

Bravo! testimony from the inside, as the saying goes. Really you would have done us a great service if you had given Damis a hint to say that.

Heracles

Father, I am only an alien, but I am not afraid to give my opinion, Let them begin their debate. Then, if Timocles gets the best of it, we can let the meeting go on, in our own interest; on the other hand, if things look bad, I will give the Portico a shake, if you like, and bring it down on Damis; a confounded fellow like that is not to insult us.

Zeus

Now by Heracles—I can swear by you, I certainly cannot swear by your plan—what a crude—what a shockingly philistine suggestion! What! destroy all those people for one man’s wickedness? and the Portico thrown in, with the Miltiades and Cynaegirus on the field of Marathon? Why, if these were ruined, how could the orators ever make another speech, with the best of their stock-in-trade taken from them? Besides, while you were alive, you might possibly have done a thing like that; but now that you are a God, you surely understand that only the Fates are competent, and we cannot interfere?

Heracles

Then when I slew the lion or the Hydra, was I only the Fates’ instrument?

Zeus

Of course you were.

Heracles

And now, suppose any one insults me, or robs my temple, or upsets an image of me, am I not to pulverize him, just because the Fates have not decreed it long ago?.

Zeus

Certainly not.

Heracles

Then allow me to speak my mind; I’m a blunt man; I call a spade a spade. If this is the state of things with you, good-bye for me to your honours and altar-steam and fat of victims; I shall be off to Hades, There, if I:show my bow ready for action, the ghosts of the monsters I have slain will be frightened, at least. Zeus. Oh, splendid! ‘Thine own lips testify against thee,’ says the book; you would have saved Damis some trouble by putting this in his mouth.

Herakles

I do not hesitate, father, to express my views, even though I am only a resident foreigner. My idea is that when they meet and are already engaged in discussion, then, if Timokles prove the better man, we will allow the meeting to proceed to our advantage. But if it turn out otherwise, then by your leave I will shake the Porch itself from its foundations and hurl it at Damis, so that the accursed wretch may not offer insult to us.

Zeus

Heavens, Herakles, what a boorish speech, and how horribly Boeotian! To destroy so many for the sake of one wretch, and, what is more, the Porch with Marathon, Miltiades, Kynaegeiros and all? If all these should perish together, how would the orators continue to practise, deprived of the chief theme of their speeches? Moreover, in your lifetime it was perhaps possible to do even a thing of that kind; but since you have become a god, you have learned, I presume, that the Fates alone control these matters, and we have no voice in them.

Herakles

Then, when I was slaying the lion or the hydra, the Fates were doing these things by my agency?

Zeus

Certainly.

Herakles

And at this moment if any one uses insolence towards me, by rifling one of my temples or overturning my statue, shall I not destroy him unless it was long ago so decided by the Fates?

Zeus

By no means.

Herakles

Then, Zeus, hear me declare myself frankly, for I am a boor, as the comic poet said, and I call a spade a spade. If this is our plight, I shall bid a long farewell to the worship and savor of burnt-offerings and blood of victims in heaven, and go off to Hades. There the ghosts, at least, of the beasts I slew will be afraid of me, if I have my bow, though I be unarmed beside.

Zeus

Very well; nothing like a relative for turning state's evidence, as they say. You would have saved Damis the trouble of making these remarks by suggesting them yourself.